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annoying thing

Rabu, 29 Juli 2009 ♥

i really dont know where to start but anyhow i should share this to someone or something. *lol*
well.. actually i wanna make this post a bit serious one..xp but i cant help not to joke around..hehehhe
anyway..continue..
i've been blessed by god to succeed in lost weight. i am happy for the fact that i am not the fat and ugly girl like i was 2 years ago.
where people doesn't see me as .. people.
i am happy that i could see a good body shape whenever i faced the mirror.
i am happy for the fact that i could fit in and looking good in whatever clothes i wear.
i could manage to lost 20+ kgs with my own extra hard work.
i do exercises every single day, i fix my eating habit, i eat some supplement to help burn fat and blablabla.
now i get what i want already. but, something in me make me live in a more drastic way.
i feel like i am obsessed to lost more weight, until now.
now i am very careful with foods. i count calories. i eat in a very little amount. and the worse is i often feel guilty after eating.
i know this is wrong. but this "Something" in me really strong and keep bugging me everytime.
i know i can conclude myself i am having eating disorder.
i've done some research about it though.
i am scared. i am scared being too extreme which mean *cough-anorexic-cough*.
but i even more scared to be back in my fat-round-not-good-looking shape like before.
i really want to enjoy foods without any guilty feeling but i also dont want to overeat.
my day filled with dilemma. food dilemma to be specific.
i am kind of tired to plan what, when, where should i eat tomorrow.
but i cant stop this something in me to make me stop planning my meal.
i am trying to be strong here.
but i cant be too hypocrite and say " i am strong! i can beat this so-called-something "
tough i do want to beat this something and kick it out of my life -~-;;
living in this way is hard to me but when i see backwards, its more painful to live in my big-O-shape like couple of years before.
see? more dilemma right??right??
i dont have guts to tell this truth to my mom or anyone face-to-face.
because i know they can't really feel the way i feel.
they haven't experienced to be seen as a fat girl.
they dont know how strong this something is
and they also havent feel how annoying this something bugging them.
so yeah.. i decide to write here in blog.
okay i admit. i always pretend to be tough as shell in real life but actually i am weak as sponge.
-~-;;;
there!!!happy??=~='''
*sigh* well.. i need to sleep.
byes..
actually am kind of happy to share and took this problem out somewhere.hehehe.xp

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PROFILE

♥minyo.vanya.nya.nyo
♥18 years old
♥currently in singaPOW!trapped in PSB academy
♥i love pink
♥taken by a bb boii named bao zhong jiang
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